Satire by John W. Lillpop
In order to commemorate Earth Day with the appropriate political correctness and chutzpah, the "Al Gore Institute for Saving Earth by Going Green, Inc. " has produced a list of ten acceptable ways to celebrate Earth Day.
Ten Ways to Celebrate Earth Day:
1. Take a friend to see An Inconvenient Truth
Self explanatory. This spiritual experience can be completed on any college campus and in all public education classes, K-12 and at liberal churches. Vacation Bible School showings now available at most Lutheran and Methodist retail centers.
2. Carbon Exchange Investments
Invest in a carbon exchange corporation that is committed to ending global warming while making obscene profits appear patriotic and "green."
To dabble in this emerging business sector, contact the "Tipper Gore Foundation of Climate Science and Investment Strategy." This low- tech misadventure has headquarters in Nashville, Tennessee on the Gore's 20,000 square foot "carbon neutral" mansion.
All business will be transacted only in euros--shares will not be released in exchange for dollars, credit cards, or checks.
The Foundation will hold its second annual meeting on April 23. Guest speaker Senator Barbara Boxer will deliver the keynote speech titled, "How Global Warming Can Impact Your Bar Mitzvah, Retirement, and Circumcision Decisions."
Light kosher refreshments will be sold.
3. Take two friends to see An Inconvenient Truth
Double your fun--and Al's profit!
4. Help Develop an Enemies of Earth Database
In order to pummel those who would wantonly abuse the earth, it is essential that greenies help Al develop an Enemies of Earth database for use on future global warming activism projects, and for Al's next run for president, which may commence in 2011 if Barack Obama continues to release hot air and carbon dioxide with his silly speeches all across the globe!
The objective of this adventure is to identify those who refuse to worship at the altar of global warming and who mock the Lord's work on this vital issue. It includes dunderheads who refuse to admit that Al actually won the presidency in 2000.
Most of the offenders are Caucasian Christian Republicans, usually angry males. Al needs to create a database of such people including home address, e-mail, phone number, church affiliation, social security numbers, and all substantiated (unsubstantiated OK if real juicy) dirt that can be used in a presidential campaign.
5. Take three friends to see An Inconvenient Truth
Three is NOT a crowd--when it comes to Al's terrific flick-fiction!
6. The "Pulitzer Prize AGAIN for Al" Committee
When Al Gore received a Pulitzer Prize for his objective and scientifically impartial work in 2007, the heavens literally opened and the light of truth was delivered to billions of people wallowing in the lies and deceit of those responsible for global warming.
But one Pulitzer Prize is not enough. As Jimmy Carter and Yassar Araft proved, just about any schmuck or murdering terrorist with enough money and a good line of BS can yank one Pulitzer.
To really stand out, one needs to win at least two and perhaps many more.
You can make a huge contribution to the future of Earth, its six billion human inhabits, and innumerable species in the animal and plant worlds by working to help steer the Pulitzer Prize in Al's direction...AGAIN!
For your "PP For Gore AGAIN" startup kit and motivational DVD, send $512.37 to the address listed on goretheglobalwarmingho.gov
Non-refundable, not tax deductible.
7. Take four friends to see An Inconvenient Truth
Four! is great in golf, and even better in the war on global warming!
8. Volunteer to Clean the Gore Mansion
Saving the planet is a full time job that leaves Al and Tipper Gore completely exhausted at the end of every day. In fact, the work is so demanding that this dynamic duo barely has time to stop and eat more than four or five pounds of beef a day! Each.
Although rescuing Mother Earth from right-wing extremists is demanding, the Gores must also maintain a 20,000 square foot luxury mansion with seven bedrooms, eight baths, indoor swimming pool, and guest suite for a live-in chef who specializes in mud pies stuffed with raw possum brains, and other southern delicacies.
Keeping the Gore mansion clean and dust free is a major task that you can help with. Bring your vacuuming, toilet bowl scrubbing, mopping, dusting, laundering, and other cleaning skills to Nashville and spend eight hours a day, four times a week, working your fingers to the bone while Al and Tipper fly around the world to save the planet.
This is a voluntary assignment--no reimbursement provided. Illegal aliens with no English proficiency preferred. Gardening skills a real plus.
9. Take five friends to see An Inconvenient Truth
Take the fifth for the future of your children, your grandchildren, and Al's retirement fund!
10. The ultimate Sacrifice for saving Earth
This step is admittedly not for everyone. It requires those who really care about Earth, children, old people, and pregnant women to make a profound sacrifice.
To those so blessed, the objective is to attack global warming head on by surrendering all motor vehicles to the "Al Gore Institute for Saving Earth by Ending Global Warming."
Vehicles are accepted at DNC branches in all major cities provided one has a lien-free title to the vehicle, or a funding date for retirement of any outstanding liens through refinancing.
Please leave the keys in your vehicle and arrange for return transportation for all in your party. The DNC cannot provide or arrange for transportation.
Well, there you have it, moon bats! The liberal way to celebrate Earth Day with PC gusto and insanity!
