Janet Napolitano's "Passive Surveillance" for Detecting Mexican Swine Flu

Homeland Security guru Janet Napolitano looks out the window of Airforce One for veterans, tax protestors, abortion and illegal alien opponents, and other "right wing extremists" in need of smiting by the government.

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Secretary Janet Napolitano has stressed that the swine flu crisis is being handled properly and with the full weight and authority of the United States government behind the effort.

She has repeatedly stressed that there is no need to restrict flights to and from Mexico, and that there is no need to close the borders.

In fact, it is the contention of the top dog at DHS that her "passive surveillance" is the most effective protection measure that can be implemented.

This reporter caught up with Napolitano as she was about to execute a "Passive Surveillance" stress test on a flight that had just landed at LAX from Mexico City.

As the 157 passengers deplaned at Gate 22A, America's feisty DHS girl started the process by selecting a few passengers for surveillance.

Most of the passengers were Hispanics in the 25-40-age bracket, several of which coughed incessantly while complaining of anemia and stomach cramps.

None of the Hispanics was waved aside for surveillance.

However, Napolitano personally selected 15 Caucasian males in the 55-80-age bracket for examination.

The "passive surveillance" questionnaire was read to each of the 15 white passengers who were placed under oath and advised that false responses could lead to prosecution for perjury.

Each passenger was asked five relevant questions

( ) Are you a veteran, conservative Republican, right-leaning independent, evangelical Christian, or member of any other subversive group commonly known in law as a "right-wing extremist?"

( ) Do you own a firearm, more than two Bibles, a surgical face mask, a broad band Internet connection, or any other weapon of mass destruction?

( ) Have you ever protested the tax policies of the Obama administration while under the influence of tea?

( ) Do you support closed borders, rigid enforcement of immigration laws, deportation of illegal aliens, English only, and other anti-Mexican torture?

( ) Have you ever refused sexual advances from another male based on religious, moral, or medical biases?

Any passenger who answered YES to one or more of the questions was confronted with a sixth question:

( ) Why do you hate President Obama and CHANGE?

Those who answered YES to three or more questions were immediately placed under arrest and returned to Mexico on the next flight.

Asked what her "passive surveillance" questions had to do with detecting the deadly the swine flu, Napolitano flashed a wicked smile and admitted, "Not a whole hell of a lot. But it does help weed out some of the far more dangerous right-wing extremist kooks!"