Satire by John W. Lillpop
A recently unclassified government report warns against the possibility of violence by "right-wing extremists." According to unnamed sources close to Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, you are a right wing extremist
if you--
* Were born in the Deep South
* Believe that 9/11 was more serious than Watergate
* Wear an American flag in your lapel
* Knowingly listen to Rush Limbaugh
* Speak and write perfect English, but no Spanish
* Own more than two Bibles or one Confederate Flag
* Believe that Jesus Christ means eternal life
* Support the rule of law and maintenance of law and order
* Want America's borders secured
* Believe that Mexico is a foreign nation and Spanish a foreign language
* Thank God that the U.S. won both world wars
* Oppose affirmative action, abortion, same-sex marriage, and gun control
* Believe that fighting higher taxes is more patriotic than paying them
* Prefer "Patriot's Tea" to Obama Kool-aid
* Doubt that Islam is really a "Religion of Peace"
* Believe that a baby Jew born to a virgin 2009 years ago saved mankind from sin
* Send out Christmas cards
* Attend a Christian church on occasions other than Christmas and Easter.
* Sing the National Anthem with your hand over your heart
* Fly Old Glory on Flag Day and Independence Day
* Believe that preventing voter fraud is more important than empowering illegal aliens, felons, and the deceased with the vote
* Own a gun and ammunition.
* Favor the death penalty for brutal killers, but oppose abortion of innocent fetuses
* Miss WF Buckley, Ronald Reagan, and Richard Nixon
* Have read the Declaration of Independence, Bill of Rights, and U.S. Constitution more than once
* Believe that labor unions should be subjected to anti-trust laws.
* Have never committed adultery or had gay sex
* Drive a car built by an American car company in America
* Dispute the belief that the economic meltdown was worth it in order to open home ownership to more people of color
* Believe that the U.S. should spend more money on national defense than on foreign aid
* Suspect that Nancy Pelosi is dumber than a pound of recycled botox
* Mourn the 50 million fetuses that have been slaughtered since the Roe V. Wade ruling
* Pay a tithe or make a donation to any organized religion
* Are successful and prosperous and flagrantly show it
* Have never applied for food stamps or welfare
* Read the Wall Street Journal, George Will, Pat Buchanan, and Ann Coulter
* Watch FOX News
* Dislike Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez and other communist dictators
* Know the words to "God Bless America" by heart
* Argue that global warming is little more than hot air circulated by liberals for "green" profit
* Want the UN out of America and America out of the UN
As it turns out, being a right wing extremist is exactly where most Americans should be, despite Janet Napolitano and the other pinko commies in Washington.
