BREAKING NEWS: Obama Apologizes for His Mistakes!

By John W. Lillpop

(Headline News, Washington D.C.)*

In a stunning admission of his many mistakes and arrogance while in office, President Obama startled the world with a candid mea culpa unlike any other in recent memory.

During a private interview with Lill Pill news at the White House on Thursday morning, the president admitted that the health care reform bill will probably add 3-4 trillion more to the national deficit than has been forecast.

“Blood sucking lawyers and doctors will make health care the greatest Ponzi scheme in U.S. History,” the president declared. “Any one with a lick of sense knows that the CBO ‘estimate’ is a complete farce. We passed the dang thing just to spite Senator DeMint, Sarah Palin, Fox News and other right wing nut lunatics. Watching those folks choke on their own bile on the first day of Spring was worth at least two trillion in laughs!”

On the economy, President Obama confessed that the so-called “stimulus” bill was a tragic waste of taxpayer money that has done nothing to improve the economic health of the nation in any measurable way.

Elaborating on the subject, the president said, “Looking back, I now realize that trusting Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid with a trillion dollars is akin to giving Osama bin Laden nuclear missiles to play with and pointing him in the direction of Israel. Not prudent, and one of my most regrettable errors,” he added.

On the subject of Israel itself, the president admitted to feeling queasy around most Jews, although he stated that Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel is “a decent chap and a strong friend even though he is Jewish.”

Obama explained that his “queasiness” around Jews is most likely the result of his Muslim upbringing.

In a rare tip of the hat to former President George W. Bush, Obama said, “Yes, we have taken unfair advantage of W’s reputation as a light weight when it comes to intellectual prowess. The man is actually a closet genius, probably as smart as me in some ways. For sure, he is one heck of a lot sharper than Dick Cheney!”

As to the botched closure of GITMO and his record on Homeland Security, the president pulled no punches when he said, “Look, I cannot tend to every little detail on my own. Remember, I have to rely on people like Janet Napolitano for security. She’s the one who said the system “worked perfectly” when that terrorist nearly nuked Detroit on Christmas day. What am I supposed to do with that sort of brilliant thinking in my cabinet?”

President Obama ended his private interview on a cheery note by saying, “HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY, PILGRIMS!”