Sorting Day for Ted Kennedy

By John W. Lillpop

During most of his earthly life, Ted Kennedy was able to do pretty much as he darn well pleased, with little or no regard for the rule of law or other social conventions that apply to most Americans.

Wealth and power were his birth right, and Kennedy never missed an opportunity to use his privileges to his fullest advantage.

Kennedy's soul has now passed into a spiritual dimension where the Kennedy name, wealth and power are worthless. The once fearsome "Liberal Lion" has been declawed and must now yield completely to the will of a higher power.

The big questions of the day: How will the forces that rule the beyond resolve the paradoxical figure that is Ted Kennedy? And how will Kennedy handle his powerlessness?

Sorting day might go something like this for the former U.S. Senator:

Sorting Angel:

Mr. Kennedy, the purpose of the sorting procedure is to determine your eternal destiny based on your deeds and accomplishments while on your spiritual journey on planet earth.

We will also take into account any misdeeds and wrongs that you committed and must be held responsible for.

The standard we apply here is really quite simple: What would Jesus do?

Do you understand the process, sir?


Yes I do.

Sorting Angel:

Excellent. Let us get started then.

Senator, you were born into a family that enjoyed enormous wealth, power, influence, and privilege, and you were personally blessed with extraordinary intelligence and powers of persuasion,

You have a remarkable and most commendable record of working on behalf of the oppressed, the poor and the powerless. Your advocacy of equal rights for the less fortunate and down-trodden is nothing short of spectacular.

No one can deny that you worked fearlessly and boldly for the disadvantaged.

However, your record also includes political and personal actions that are not consistent with the blessing you received.

To begin with, we have the Chappaquiddick
incident in 1969 which cost Mary Jo Kopechne her life at the tender age of 29.

Because you were intoxicated, you abandoned Ms. Kopechne to drown to death in your automobile,

You then used your wealth and power to avoid equal treatment. The rule of law was essentially suspended because you were a Kennedy and despite the fact that you were guilty of manslaughter or worse.

We see no request for redemption with respect to this grievous sin. You made no direct public apology or good faith gesture of repentance; therefore, you were buried with the blood of Mary Jo Kopechne on your hands.

You often declare that you love the Catholic faith and the principles taught by Catholic clergy.

Yet, you were a leading advocate for abortion rights, an unholy practice staunchly opposed by the Pope and other leading Church authorities.

Senator, over the course of your many years in the U.S. Senate, 50 million babies were aborted in America alone. We see no evidence that you opposed the heathen and unholy practice of infanticide.

To the contrary, you were known as a powerful champion for abortion rights and completely insensitive to the rights of the unborn.

Sir, your behavior in these two areas is utterly indefensible, especially in a man who has received so many rich blessings from the Lord and who claims to have great love for the Catholic faith.

Based on these facts, Mr. Kennedy, it is my solemn duty to inform you that you will spend eternity in a state of isolated damnation.

You will be allowed limited visits with your liberal contemporaries once they have expired and are sorted into damnation.

That pretty much sums it up.

Are there any questions, Mr. Kennedy?


Thank you, Sorter. I will obviously appeal this blatantly anti-Catholic ruling once I am allowed to speak with my legal team.

We will request an immediate injunction to block enforcement pending adjudication of my appeal.

Until then, do you know of any local cocktail lounges that rock, and that will let me ring up a bar tab using my famous name as collateral?

Sorting Angel