Bad News for Liberals and ObamaCare: US Life Expectancy UP!
Satire by John W. Lillpop
In yet another jarring bit of awful news for liberals in general, and Obamacare in particular, life expectancy in these great United States has actually risen over the past year.
In years gone by, such news would have been seen by the president and Congressional leaders as confirmation of America's excellent heath care system and further proof that private enterprise is capable of amazing success if left alone by government.
However, that was before the current government that regards private enterprise as evil and the lives of Americans expendable at the whim of cost-benefit computer models.
As reported at yahoo.news, in part:
"ATLANTA – U.S. life expectancy has risen to a new high, now standing at nearly 78 years, the government reported Wednesday.
The increase is due mainly to falling death rates in almost all the leading causes of death. The average life expectancy for babies born in 2007 is nearly three months greater than for children born in 2006.
"The new U.S. data is a preliminary report based on about 90 percent of the death certificates collected in 2007. It comes from the National Center for Health Statistics, part of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
"The United States continues to lag behind about 30 other countries in estimated life span. Japan has the longest life expectancy — 83 years for children born in 2007, according to the World Health Organization."
This news is, of course, devastating to the Obama administration and to lefties running the US Congress because it means old timers will be around longer than expected to receive costly medical care desperately needed by illegal aliens.
It also means that the almost bankrupt Social Security system, another liberal ponzi scheme gone amuck, will be under added pressure to send money each month to selfish citizens who refuse to die for their nation.
Upon hearing the disturbing news, America's swat team for CHANGE--President Obama, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid--immediately convened an emergency meeting in the basement of the White House to discuss this new economic catastrophe and to develop an effective counter strategy.
A 'War room" was set up to meet the challenge that could destroy the Obama presidency.
Speaker Pelosi was quoted (anonymously) as saying, "Living to be 78 is un-American! Old people are doing this because they are racists who hate our black president!"
Harry Reid was a tad more optimistic when he said, "This war is NOT lost. America needs a surge in the mortality rate among people aged 55-78, and we intend to implement such a surge in bill 3200."
President Obama was shooting hoops and not available for comment.
A source who is almost never right on these types of stories reports that the Swat Team for Change has a short list of three options to save America.
In no particular order, the list is:
* Raise the minimum age for Social Security to 79. Retroactive to 1992.
* Visit nations with lower life expectancies than America to discover their "secrets." Rewrite ObamaCare accordingly.
* Staff those death panels with left wing goof balls who hate old people and life in general. Change to 50 the minimum age for death panel review before or any medical treatment is authorized.
When finally reached by the media, President Obama had this to say:
"This is another crisis that the American people will have to work through. We have always succeeded when we work together.
"We are calling on anyone over 60 to do as John F. Kennedy asked in 1963, "Ask not what you country can do for you, but ask what you can do for your country."
"Doing what you can for your country in 2009 means getting off the Social Security and Medicare "gravy trains" as soon as possible. Remember, it was you people who caused the Great Depression, two world wars, the Korean and Vietnam wars, and the unwarranted invasion of Iraq!"
"It was you people who brought double-digit inflation to America and destroyed the presidency of Jimmy Carter by voting for that right wing demagogue, Ronald Wilson Reagan. It was you people that put America at war with Islam by electing that drunk from Texas, George W. Bush.
"My fellow Americans, the time for atonement is now. Please do the patriotic thing by leaving this worldly dimension as soon as possible.
"Good night, and God bless Americans with terminal, inoperable diseases!"
And so it goes with the most dangerous and reckless man to have ever stepped foot in the White House!
Posted by John W Lillpop at 11:50 AM