Open Letter to Mexican President Felipe Calderon
Satire by John W. Lillpop
On May 19, Mexican President Calderon will attend a state dinner at the White House hosted by President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama.
President Obama has been asked to present the following letter to President Calderon when they meet.
May 19, 2010
Dear President Calderon:
As you are no doubt aware, America the Great is quickly becoming America the Gray. The so-called "boomer" generation, comprised of scores of millions of formerly productive Americans, will soon reach retirement age.
As they age, U.S. boomers yearn for a less frantic pace---and a lifestyle that allows one to pause and smell the roses now and again.
In other words, boomers are looking for the "Good Life" which is supposed to accrue to those who work 45 years, pay ungodly amounts in taxes, raise a family, put children through college, and baby-sit the grandchildren.
Unfortunately, the United States is no longer hospitable to graying citizens, especially now that quality health care for seniors has been all but eviscerated by the phenomenon known as ObamaCare, which holds that anyone over 45 is a greater threat to America than an Al-Quaeda sleeper cell.
As a result of these oppressive, Marxist changes, boomers have decided to move to your Mexico.
We know that the Mexican government is a strong supporter of open borders and liberal immigration policies, as least with respect to migrations from Mexico to America. Accordingly, U.S. boomers anticipate that our needs and wishes will be fully accommodated with minimal interference and bureaucratic hassle.
In plain English, we expect to be treated like upscale Mexican citizens, with all the perks and advantages attendant thereto.
Incidentally, we prefer to be called "undocumented boomers."
President Calderon, I am delighted to announce that scores of millions of undocumented boomers are headed to Mexico!
Current plans call for about 500,000 of us to cross the border into Mexico each month, starting July 4, 2010.
As with any complex transition, there are several "ground rules" that must be followed in order to make this transfer of wealth seamless.
Accordingly, your attention is directed to the following items:
1. Mexican sovereignty, borders, and immigration laws are essentially null and void with respect to us, the undocumented boomers.
Please advise your authorities that no attempt should be made to enforce said restrictions on good hearted, formerly hard- working Americans.
2. Undocumented boomers are to receive unlimited education, food, housing, legal assistance, and geriatric care on demand, the cost of which is to be borne solely by Mexican taxpayers.
3. Mexican hospitals, medical clinics, and emergency rooms shall be obligated to meet the medical needs of all undocumented boomers, without regard to ability to pay.
This obligation shall not be limited or restricted in any way because of any real or imagined negative impact on Mexico's medical systems, including the loss of vital services to Mexican citizens.
4. Although we are not obligated to pay for medical services received, we are entitled to send $50-100 billion back to the United States each year. The Mexican government will actively facilitate such transfers of funds to our loved ones in America.
5. English is the only language used by undocumented boomers; we have no desire or obligation to learn Spanish.
6. America's historic free speech, free love, and anti-war revolutions originated with activists in the boomer generation.
In keeping with our tradition of aggressive activism, from time to time it may be necessary for millions of us to take over the streets of Mexico's large cities in order to protest proposed new laws when our "rights" are in jeopardy.
During such protests, we will wave Old Glory and scream "Yes, we can!" and "We are Mexico!" in English, as we protest the rule of Mexican law.
All such activities are valid free speech expressions in a thriving Democracy. As a consequence, the Mexican government is to take no action to limit or impede our protests.
7. We Americans celebrate the 4th of July to commemorate our independence, and prefer to conduct business as normal on May 5 and September 16. Anyone who flies the Mexican flag on July 4 is guilty of an “incendiary” act, which disrespects American culture and tradition and which may cause us to riot or engage in other large scale civil disobedience.
8. Undocumented boomers shall be licensed to drive without regard to immigration status. All driver instruction and testing materials shall be in English.
9. Blood relatives of undocumented boomers shall be eligible for the same reduced tuition rates offered to Mexican citizens. Immersion for the purpose of teaching Spanish is a failed concept and shall not even be attempted.
10. Undocumented boomers shall be eligible to vote in Mexican elections without any requirement to prove identity.
11. Grandchildren of undocumented boomers born in Mexico shall be Mexican citizens by virtue of their birth, regardless of the immigration status of their parents and grand parents, and
12. We are generally quite sensitive and easily offended. Therefore, Mexicans shall refrain from using terms like "illegal alien," "Red Neck," "Cracker," or "Gringo" when addressing or talking about us.
In closing, Mr. President, let me assure you that we will attempt to do for Mexico what 38 million Mexican illegal aliens are currently doing to America!
With best regards and wishes for a diverse and free Mexico!
San Hose, California
Posted by John W Lillpop at 5:33 PM