Satire by John W. Lillpop
Most civilized Americans were shocked into utter disbelief upon learning that President Obama plans to pay for neutering the world's best health care system by denying pacemakers to little old ladies too frail to fight back.
Public outrage was immediate and widespread, until the mainstream media decided that the untimely death of Michael Jackson was the most important event ever in human history, including the virgin-birth and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
However, while the unwashed masses blithely mourn the loss of a crotch grabbing, dope-addicted pedophile, Barack Obama is working diligently to sabotage everyone over the age of 50 who has the audacity to be in need of health care.
This reporter has it on good knowledge from uninformed and anonymous sources that this time the president plans to hit below the belt, both figuratively and literally.
Specifically, as men in the "boomer" generation reach the later stages of life, a new medical ailment is driving millions of once virile, confident men to tears and shame.
That would be the dreaded ED, as in Erectile Dysfunction.
ED, pervasive among men in their 50s and 60s, has spawned a new family of medicines devised to treat the debilitating loss of performance in life's most vital game.
The sports analogy is "He got game!" Men with ED "got no game."
But thanks to some cross-eyed scientist, who has probably never witnessed the awesome beauty of the disrobed female anatomy in person, American men now have Viagra, AKA, Blue Magic.
With Viagra in their medicine cabinets, millions of senior men are joyfully chirping, "We got game again!"
The only side effect with Viagra is the danger of heart attack from too much excitement. But what the heck, no drug is perfect, right?
But, the medicine is a bit pricey, and that is where the fractured torture of Obamacare comes in.
According to belt way insider Dr. Opel Bijiquiovarti, Barack Obama plans to eliminate Medicare coverage of Viagra by arguing that Viagra is a "recreational drug" used to treat a condition that does not involve the quality of life, or life itself.
Besides, the Obamacare people argue, with granny unable to get a pacemaker for her wonky heart, the common good is best served by keeping grandpa in the medical equivalent of a permanent cold shower.
Bijiquiovarti, a constitutional scholar and part-time assistant pharmacist at the CIA, disagrees vehemently and has researched the subject extensively.
Based on his scholarly research, Bijiquiovarti has released the following findings, but only on the condition of anonymity:
The Bijiquiovarti findings:
* Erectile Function (EF) is an inalienable right guaranteed by the United States Constitution.
* The right to EF is found in the same section of the Constitution that guarantees a woman's right to an abortion, and is directly adjacent to the Constitutional requirement that mandates separation of church and state.
* Because EF is an inalienable right, Viagra must be made available to all men on Medicare. Bijiquiovarti has learned that the federal government must provide Blue Magic free of charge. No exceptions!
Congratulations to Bijiquiovarti for his outstanding research and reporting expertise!
Coming as it does so close to July 4th, the Bijiquiovarti report is the most liberating news since the Emancipation Proclamation.
