Shrieker Pelosi's Legal Defense Quagmire

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Among the more catchy slogans in the 2006 election campaign was Nancy Pelosi’s dilly, “Perhaps it will take a woman to clean the house.”

With those words, the bug-eyed airhead from San Francisco let it be known that her permanently dilated eyes were focused on becoming the next Speaker of the House. Make no mistake, Pelosi was not offering to scrub and wax the floors on Capitol Hill or to do the windows, although she seems better suited for cleaning the floors than controlling the speaker’s gavel.

Pelosi unveiled her play on words in early spring, 2006 as part of her “Culture of Corruption ” campaign designed to lead Democrats back to the land of milk and honey, also known as majority status in the House.

When Pelosi first introduced her strategy, Republicans like Tom DeLay, Randy “Duke” Cunningham, and Jack Abramoff were making negative headlines nearly every day. Calling Republicans the party of corruption did not seem that far-fetched or overly partisan.

Back then, one could reasonably conclude that Democrats deserved a chance to clean up the People’s House, which had become sullied by all those corrupt and corruptible Republicans.

Toss in the fact that the rehabilitated House would be lead by an aggressive woman, and you have a perfect setup for Nancy Pelosi’s ascent to the “A” team in Washington power politics.

But then a funny thing—several funny things, actually—happened to derail the Pelosi grand strategy.

The crimes and peccadilloes of Democrats began making news: Slugging Capitol police, driving under the influence of drugs and or alcohol, accepting $100,000 in bribes on video, and hiding 90% of the bribe stash in home freezers.

A particularly untoward moment came when Democrat Francine Busby, running to replace the incarcerated Cunningham, encouraged illegal immigrants to vote, and did so in front of a camera.

There was a “Culture of Corruption” all right, but its members were not just the lily-white, country club Republicans Pelosi wanted so desperately to expose.

Instead, politicians with the letter D next to their names were turning Pelosi’s “Culture of Corruption” into something quite different from what she had planned—and not at all to her liking.

In the latest installment of Pelosi's Corruption Is Us soap opera, this left-wing twit peers into the mirror of corruption and finds her own wrinkled, botox-abused image staring right back.

Indeed, this sanctimonious old hag has been caught in a flat-footed lie about her personal knowledge about extreme interrogation measures implemented by the CIA against terrorists on behalf of the United States.

As Karl Rove put it so succinctly, Nancy Pelosi was an "accomplice to torture."

So while left wing moon bats in Congress plot and scheme to boil George W. Bush and friends in a vat of hot oil, they must make room in their mix for the only person in the universe who believes that the fathers of the Catholic Church are still undecided about abortion.

Pelosi and her San Francisco handlers are desperately working to develop a defense strategy that will exonerate the Shrieker from all complicity in the waterboarding of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed while perpetuating the myth that she is an upstanding American patriot.

Two primary defense options are emerging for the befuddled Pelosi:

* Plead insanity, or

* Based on Pelosi's words about the Catholic fathers and abortion, claim severe dementia.

Regardless of which defense she chooses, it is clear that Nancy Pelosi is on the cusp of reconfirming a fundamental maxim of American politics:

A woman's place is in the home, but NOT the House!