Bay Area Bleeding Hearts Lament Defeat of Higher Taxes
Satire by John W. Lillpop
Following California's rip-roaring Tea Party at the polls Tuesday, newspapers in the Bay Area have been inundated with letters from bleeding heart liberals aghast at the very idea that paying higher taxes is not a source of orgiastic joy for all potent adults.
Two letters (partially repeated below) from the May 22 edition of the San Francisco Chronicle illustrate the pain and suffering that lower taxes can inflict on those in possession of a liberal mindset:
From bleeding heart number 1:
"I beg the governor and the Legislature: Please, raise taxes - my taxes and those of everyone who can afford them, including corporations - so that I can contribute to the essential operations of the state of California."
Bleeding heart number 2 complained that the ballot did not include a proposal to raise gasoline taxes:
"The only additional choice which should have been available is to be able to vote to raise the state gas tax by 50 cents or so.
Without doing the math, I'm sure that this would go a long way toward financing the budget shortfall. Also, since we all can agree that California's state and city roads are not in tip-top shape, shouldn't the gas tax at least pay for all ongoing needed maintenance?"
Bleeding heart 2 got one thing right: "Not doing the math" is essential when arguing for higher taxes!
After reading these weepy lamentations, I was driven to respond with all of the charity and compassion available to a mean spirited, right-wing extremist.
Hence this letter to the editor:
"Dear SF Chronicle Letters Editor:
"Bleeding heart numbers 1 and 2 (Letters May 22)should co-found a Foundation Against Reduced Taxes (FART) to campaign for higher taxes on income, gasoline, sales, luxury, death, moon bats, vehicle, entertainment, small business, large business, medium business, and any aspect of living or dying that Democrat politicians have overlooked in their tax and spend mania.
"It goes without saying that FART should NOT be tax exempt, although bleeding hearts 1 and 2 should be unpaid volunteers and should be personally responsible for paying taxes on behalf of FART.
"FART should call for another special election to allow like-minded bleeding hearts throughout California to voluntarily sign up for higher taxes.
"Call it the anti-tea party for FARTs special election, and let people who think like bleeding hearts 1 and 2 pay for it!"
I meant to add that FART could probably count on VP Joe Biden to hold several town hall meetings in San Francisco to point out that paying higher taxes is just about the most patriotic thing that an anti-American leftist can do!
Who better than Joe Biden to advocate an untenable position "without doing the math"?
Posted by John W Lillpop at 7:26 AM