Nancy Pelosi's Lie Detector Results

Satire by John W. Lillpop

In a remarkable show of good faith and commitment to hard-edged transparency, Speaker Nancy Pelosi recently agreed to take a Polygraph test.

Pelosi made this unprecedented concession as public pressure mounted concerning her knowledge about water boarding and the extent to which she was briefed by CIA officials.

In order to protect the confidentiality of the polygraph examination and to safeguard Pelosi's privacy, the test was conducted in a remote, undisclosed location.

For added security, the location selected was deliberately kept from Joe Biden.

Unnamed sources have leaked unedited transcripts from the Pelosi Polygraph Probe, which are repeated herewith for the common good and to raise funds or the next Republican revolution scheduled for November, 2010:


Polygraph Technician:

Good afternoon, Madam Speaker.

As you have been informed, we will ask you a series of six questions concerning the briefings you received from the CIA about water boarding.

All of the questions are straight forward and simple, requiring only a Yes or No response in each case. None of the questions is intended to trick or confuse you in any manner.

Polygraph technology measures your blood pressure and heart rate after each answer and determines the probable veracity of your answers in accordance with advanced statistical methodology.

This technology has been proven to be 95 percent accurate, 95 percent of the time, during thousands of examinations going back 30 years.

OK, I guess that is it. Before we get started, are there any questions, Madam Speaker?

Speaker Pelosi:

Thank you for your time and professional attitude, Paul.

To begin with, we need to put this entire torture business in perspective. In 2002, right wing extremists, lead by George W. Bush, were pushing to torture anyone who spoke Arabic or was a 25-50 year old male with middle eastern features. The idea was...

Polygraph Technician:

Excuse me, Madam Speaker. The purpose of this exercise is to determine your responses to pre-determined, germane questions. We are neither mandated nor equipped to handle opinions, speculation, or partisan bickering.

That being said, our first question is as follows: CIA memoranda indicate that you attended a top secret briefing in 2002 at which time you were advised as to the planned use of waterboarding.

Did you, in fact, attend that meeting and were you briefed on waterboarding?

Yes or No?

Speaker Pelosi:

You see, that is why America so desperately needs Barack Obama and his CHANGE formula, Paul.

George W. Bush would have tortured his own mother if Dick Cheney had ordered it for national security reasons. Dang it, Paul, Bush lied about WMD in Iraq and was trying to get innocent Muslim fellows to lie about everything. He used torture to get Muslims to lie!

You do know that there were NO weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq, right? George W. Bush lied and then spent a trillion dollars on an immoral war to cover up his lies!

Polygraph Technician:

I am very sorry, Mrs. Pelosi. We are not communicating properly and I am forced to suspend the Polygraph exam at this point.

Let me get the security people in here.

Speaker Pelosi(Beaming):

Really? How did I do, Paul?

As the Pope told me in Rome recently, "The truth will set you free!"

Who would have thought that the old boy could be so right on that after being so wrong on abortion?

Polygraph Technician:

Thank you, Speaker. The security people will be here to discuss the results with you in a moment.

Good evening!