Are Tanning Booths Racist?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

Think back to the last time you visited a local tanning booth. If your memory serves you correctly, you will realize that tanning stores are exclusively white, save the occasional person of color swabbing the floors, administering rum, or answering telephones.

What's up with the lack of diversity?

Why are there no technological miracles, which would allow a Hispanic like Sonia Sotomayor to slip under a bright red light for twenty minutes or so, and come with all the yellow radiance and skin texture of Miss Japan, 1952?

A little yellow might help Sotomayor think twice before uttering foolish remarks based on sexism and racism. Mind you, thinking twice is NOT a trait commonly found in intemperate, hot headed Latinos!

How is it that Maxine Waters is denied the opportunity to plop down in a booth for $10,000 and emerge 30 minutes later with Madonna's chalky-white hue?

Why is this blatant discrimination allowed to continue under the fascist regime of Barack Obama?

Truth will out: Tanning booths are racist holes that deny women of color their Constitutional right to be white, if only ever so briefly.

That right to be white, incidentally, is on the very same page of the Constitution that guarantees a woman the right to abortion AND which details, in glorious specificity, the separation of church and state.

I confess to not really understanding the whole tanning mania.

For instance, my ex-wife was blessed with the complexion and soft, lily-white skin one would expect in one of the Lord's fairest and most blessed handmaidens.

Combined with her ocean -blue eyes and golden hair, Mrs. Lill was the envy of the soap opera demographic in our humble neighborhood.

Should I live to be 100, I will never understand why Mrs. Lill deliberately nuked her natural beauty in a damn tanning booth just to end up with the skin pigmentation of an abused illegal alien!

The fact that Mrs. Lill paid a huge sum of money for the browning makes it all the more mysterious and painful!