Satire By John W. Lillpop
With her hostile capture of the Speaker's gavel in 2007, Nancy Pelosi shattered the gender barrier, glass ceiling, and incredulity index all in one fell swoop. Since then, Americans have fretted that she may be just a tad too liberal to be second in the succession line for the presidency.
After all, Comrade Nancy does hail from San Francisco—the only American city that tried to join the former USSR, but was rejected because Moscow found folks here too far to the left.
In order to calm the minds of those fearing the worse from Speaker-Queen Pelsoi, several common myths and exaggerations concerning San Francisco liberalism must be debunked.
Namely, contrary to popular belief, it is NOT:
* A felony to vote Republican in San Francisco, although it is a misdemeanor to register as a Democrat or Independent with the knowing intent of voting Republican at a future date;
* Against the law to fly Old Glory without a special permit--except on Cinco de Mayo day when the Mexican flag is preeminent, and must not be mocked with vulgar displays of excessive Americanism;
* A hate crime to speak English, except at fast-food restaurants, car washes, emergency rooms, and when speaking to Hispanics obviously here illegally;
* A violation to wear the uniform of the Army, Navy, Air Force, or Marines, unless one does so with an arrogant, “America First,” George W. Bush-type of belligerence.
* True that attending a Christian church will automatically cause one's property taxes to double. There is an appeals process.
* Required that job applicants prove that they are transvestite, gay, handicapped, and a racial minority to qualify. Any one of those qualifications will do.
* A major crime to work at Wal-Mart, provided one can prove he or she is an illegal alien from Mexico and a registered Democrat.
* Possible to get an abortion on those fabulous cable cars, but a woman's inalienable right to privacy may be may be arranged at most self-serve gas stations, progressive piano bars, and at Alcatraz Island after 6pm, except on Mother's Day.
* Enough to be a young Middle Eastern male who speaks Arabic in order to be considered a protected minority. In order to be so classified, one must have been arrested and charged with a terrorist act--- like attempting to move the Golden Gate Bridge to Seattle with an IED.
* Required that straight, white, employed Christian males notify the police 60 days before moving into a new neighborhood. 30 days is sufficient.
* Necessary to enroll as a dues-paying member of ACLU in order to secure a driver’s license. Licensees have 15 days in which to pay an ACLU initiation fee and swear allegiance to atheism, homosexuality, diversity, and liberalism.
* True that convicted sex offenders moving into San Francisco are automatically registered to vote as Democrats: They have 30 days in which to join the party and register.
Therefore, while liberalism is a severe mental disorder that significantly influences Nancy Pelosi’s judgment, the good news is…. Heck, there is no good news!
Run for your bloody lives!
