Satire by John Lillpop
I can abide, and actually enjoy, most Christmas cards sent to my attention this time of year. Most depict beautiful winter scenes; others focus on the Birth of Christ and the spiritual basis for the world-wide celebration and great joy.
Others are best suited for exile to the family fireplace upon receipt.
I refer to the Family News cards that provide an executive summary of the year that was, on a person by person basis.
These dillies can be very depressing. An example of such a card came in today’s mail and has since been reduced to ashes.
It’s from my Aunt Opal who is under the impression that I have a vital interest in knowing the whereabouts and tragedies to afflict all of my cousins since she last wrote a year ago.
She writes, “Paul shocked everyone when he left Ada Louise standing at the wedding alter. He ran off with his best man--we always thought he was a bit strange.
“Ada did not handle the news very well: She shoved one of Grace’s long cooking knives into her gut and was dead within minutes. We are taking a collection to replace Grace’s bloodied carpet—just send me a check and I will take care of it.
“Your Uncle Oscar had a rough thanksgiving, to say the least. He was arrested for DUI on Thanksgiving eve in one of those unconstitutional nets where the police pull everyone over.
“These are more popular than ever because the City of Sheffield is bankrupt so they need the money.
“Anyhow, Oscar was bailed out early Thanksgiving morning and by noon he was back into the sauce. We tried to wrestle the keys from him and Grandpa even offered to drive Oscar home.
“What we did not know is that grandpa was high as a kite on grass. He and Oscar got caught in another net and both spent Thanksgiving night in the slammer. Oscar is still there, the damn fool.
“Grandpa went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting, so I had to carve the turkey. Made a damn mess of it but the turkey still tasted A-OK.
“Guess you heard that Cousin Alice was arrested for sexual abuse of two minors in June? Pretty serious I guess because she is still not back at her teaching job. We hear that the first graders in her class really miss her, except for the two squealers.
“Your Mother died this morning just as I was finishing this card. We will send you pictures and the obituary.
“Well as you can tell, not much going on here. So I will just wish you a Merry Christmas—may your life be filled with joy and cheer!”
Aunt Opal Lillpop
