Beware the Hazards of Clinical Liberalism

Satire by John W. Lillpop

Recognizing when one’s mind has been infested with clinical liberalism is vital information that one must be aware of order to survive in an ever-increasingly dangerous world where liberals are tolerated, even encouraged, in some quarters.

This simple, yet scientific, test has been programmed to evaluate “liberal quotient,” which is the exact opposite of intelligence quotient, and normally portends serious mental and moral defects.

The test:

1. Abortion

A. The privacy provision in the U.S. Constitution was authored by:

( ) Roe V. Wade, one of the original founding fathers
( ) Sandra Day O’Connor
( ) Paid lobbyists for Planned Parenthood and Code Pink

B. Abortions should be:

( ) Mandatory for all unmarried women.
( ) Included in universal health care coverage paid for by the government.
( ) Funded by eliminating the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy.

2. Global War on Terror

The war on terror is:

( ) A term that deeply offends Muslims and should, therefore, be expunged from all government communications.
( ) Lost: The terrorists have won and America should surrender immediately.
( ) Yet another failed policy of George W. Bush, which has been inherited.

3. Taxes

Higher taxes:

( ) Stimulate economic growth and create millions of secure, high paying jobs.
( ) Are needed to keep overachievers modestly modest
( ) Should be paid by any family with an annual income in excess of $7,450

4. Energy and Dependence on Foreign Oil

A. Drilling for new oil reserves in America is:

( ) Prohibited by the U.S. Constitution.
( ) Sure to irritate Muslim leaders whom Obama should be working with, rather than against.
( ) Unnecessary if automobiles are outlawed.

B. Additional refining capacity would:

( ) Increase demand, thereby causing more global warming.
( ) Be the moral equivalent of the Holocaust.
( ) Be OK in blue states if built by brown illegal aliens.

C. The best option for dealing with the high cost of gasoline is to:

( ) Ignore it. Americans drive too much as it is.
( ) Raise gasoline taxes $5.50 per gallon to reduce demand.
( ) Cut off supplies to Red states.

5. Illegal Immigration

A. Illegal immigration is:

( ) Needed by liberals in order to win elections.
( ) A misnomer. They are actually undocumented Democrats!
( ) Mexico’s chief export.

B. Border security should be:

( ) Ignored, because we need cheap lettuce.
( ) Ignored, because we need cheap lettuce and more Democrats.
( ) Put on hold until the Obama Administration fixes Afghanistan.

C. The fence between the United States and Mexico is:

( ) Unconstitutional. It discriminates against Mexicans too fat to scale a fence.
( ) A good idea if it will stop the Minutemen from invading Mexico.

D. Obama’s proposed immigration reform scheme:

( ) Will work if guest workers are required to join a labor union.
( ) Sounds like amnesty, but Mexicans here illegally deserve amnesty!

E. Janet Napolitano, Home Land Security Boss and a Democrat

( ) Thinks ‘’Minutemen’’ is a reference to the sexual staying power of Border Patrol agents.
( ) Believes that the 12-40 million people who have ignored our borders and invaded America are “Newly Arrived Refugees” who deserve respect and a path to citizenship

6. Liberal Understanding of Islam

A. Ramadan:

( ) Is a scared Muslim ritual that has been commercialized into a national hotel chain—Ramada Inn—by greedy American capitalists.
( ) Is not covered by constitutional separation of church and
state, because the founding fathers were all Christian Caucasians.

B. The Koran:

( ) Should be required reading in U.S. schools starting in Kindergarten
( ) Was used in the second swearing-in procedure for Barack Obama to the presidency
( ) Is needed to counter Judeo-Christian propaganda found in the Bible.

C. Mosques:

( ) Are holy sanctuaries, except when used to plot nuclear attacks against Israel.
( ) Are never used to hide weapons, except during time of war. Because of infidels, Islam has always been, and will always be, at war.

D. The practice of rewarding martyrs with 72 virgins:

( ) Makes far more sense that the Christian myth about a virgin giving birth to a Jew come to save the world.
( ) Assures that Allah will always have a large contingent of dedicated, virile young men eager to give their very lives for the righteous cause of Islam.

Congratulations! You have successfully completed this objective assessment of your vulnerability as a practicing liberal.

Because we understand that self-esteem and confidence are very fragile commodities to liberals, we provide neither answers nor grades to this test. This is essential to protect those who may have performed poorly.

But rest assured that you did GREAT-- like everyone else, regardless of sex, nationality, race, language, sexual preference, age, blah, blah, blah!