Satire By John W. Lillpop
Should the American people be foolish enough to elect Hillary Clinton to the presidency in 2016, the following events will surely ensue:
The 45th president of the United States will take the Oath of Office at the UN. She will place her left hand on the Koran, while swearing (in Spanish) at the U.S. Constitution, free markets, and Republicans.
Presidential Inaugural Balls will be held in Moscow, Paris, Havana, San Francisco, and other venues with large populations of known anti-American leftists, feminists, atheists, and other anti-heroes.
Burning the American flag will no longer be a crime, unless Al Gore decides that the smoke from smoldering flags causes global warming.
Bill Clinton will be pardoned for all crimes past and future, excepting sexual infidelity missteps that will surely take place in the Oval Office and adjoining rooms.
Marriage will be redefined as a union between two or more consenting men, women, animals, insects, and plants, or any combination thereof.
Government-paid day care will be an inalienable right of American women, rooted somewhere in an undisclosed location in the privacy bowels of the U.S. Constitution.
Speaking English to Hispanics obviously in America illegally will be regarded as harassment, a hate crime subject to severe civil and criminal penalties.
An "Excess Initiative Tax" will be paid by households with annual incomes exceeding $200,000.
A "Global Warming Tax" will be levied on SUVs and luxury cars registered to Republicans.
Former National Security Adviser Sandy Berger will be appointed Director of Homeland Security.
Unleaded gasoline will be outlawed.
The Iraq war will be officially declared a "Hate Crime" against Islam.
George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, General Petraeus, and Donald Rumsfeld will be sent to Guantanamo Bay for their roles in the Iraq war.
Terrorists held at Guantanamo Bay will be set free to make room for George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, General Petraeus, and Donald Rumsfeld.
Income tax rates will be trebled for white, Christian Republicans.
Mothers Day will be replaced by Women's Emancipation Day, which will be celebrated on January 22, date of Roe V. Wade.
Memorial Day will be recognized as a holiday that places far too much emphasis on American military victories and war. Instead, America will holiday on August 14 to commemorate the birth of Fidel Castro.
Christianity will be declared the refuge of "Superstitious Pagans," and more dangerous to one's health than trans fats, cigarettes, cholesterol, sugar, salt, alcoholism, illegal drugs, global warming, and Islamic terrorists combined.
Washington, D.C., will be declared a "Sanctuary City" for illegal aliens, terrorists and would be terrorists, sexually confused members of the U.S. Senate, gays, lesbians, and transvestites.
Reading the 2nd Amendment in public schools and owning guns, or images thereof, of any type will be considered acts of treason, the only crimes for which the death penalty is allowed.
The military draft will be reinstated to obligate all people between the ages of 18 and 50 to four years of national service, except those with 666 stamped on their foreheads by Howard Dean and authorized minions at the DNC.
Dick Cheney's birthday will be declared an official day of mourning, with all flags ordered to fly at half-mast.
Columbus Day will be declared "Old School" and replaced by March 31, birthday of Cesar Chavez.
Oh, for the glories to come!