Satire by John W. Lillpop
Rumor has it that President Barack Obama has used "back channels" to deliver the following olive branch to Osama bin Laden.
Dear Fellow Muslim:
Praise be to Allah!
It is with great hope and audacity that I present to you an offer for reconciliation between your noble Al-Quaeda operatives and the once-great forces of the United States of America.
Allah willing, of course.
This offer, which must never be made transparent to the media or public, is predicated on the notion that Islam is the new and only super power in the world. It is further understood that the sooner that that reality is accepted by American capitalists and Democracy-crazed politicians, the better it will be for all concerned parties.
As you are doubtless aware, I have taken several steps since January to realign America’s financial and political priorities so as to accommodate a smooth, seamless transition to a Jihad state where Sharia law will replace the archaic and bothersome U.S. Constitution.
Among my early successes is the order to close GITMO, slashing of the U.S. military budget, the requirement that all ‘terrorists’ captured on the battlefield be notified of their Constitutional rights and be offered free legal representation and a free swine flu shot, and on and on it goes.
You can tell that my efforts to “Islamicize” America are spot on because Republicans oppose them vehemently, while Democrats absolutely love them!
My proudest moment to date is the transfer of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed to New York where he will be treated like a U.S. citizen, including processing of his case through the civilian judicial system, a move that damn near guarantees acquittal, or at least an appeal which could take ten years to adjudicate.
According to my Attorney General, Eric Holder, by the year 2019 America should have elected its first openly Jihad president which means that KSM would be pardoned immediately, probably as part of the elected brother’s inaugural speech.
By the way, KSM sends his warm regards and asks that you postpone any further 9/11 attacks on New York until his trial is over. Upon acquittal, KSM plans to move to San Francisco in order to take advantage of that town’s “Sanctuary City” idiocy.
KSM also indicated that he may run for Mayor against that Useful Idiot, Gavin Newsom, although KSM acknowledges that he may too conservative for Nancy Pelosi’s home town. His weight and unsightly facial hair are also issues that he is working on.
It is my sincere hope that this offer will persuade you to unclench your fist and agree to peace with America. To that end, we are prepared to make the following additional concessions, effective upon official acceptance by you:
*All Red States shall be organized into a new United States of Islam, a sovereign and independent nation totally separate from the United States of America;
*U.S. forces to be withdrawn from Afghanistan and Iraq and redeployed to prevent Israel from constructing any new settlements and, ultimately, to remove interloping Jewish occupiers from the new Palestinian state;
*All surviving members of the Bush administration shall be tried as war criminals. Said criminals shall be arrested immediately and sent to GITMO for trials pursuant to Sharia law.
*Former President George W. Bush shall be subjected to enhanced interrogation techniques, including water boarding, until he reveals the location of Saddam’s WMD. We know that Hussein had the WMD, and we suspect that W. has stockpiled the weapons to use in an extortion attempt against my presidency.
With best wishes for a happy and prosperous holiday season, I remain your devoted servant.
BHO
P.S.: Please tell Rashis, your honorable wife # 44, that we should get together some time.
Allah willing, of course!
