What If Obamacare Had Existed Christmas Eve, 0000?

Satire By John W. Lillpop

As we Americans struggle to preserve our rich cultural traditions and heritage surrounding Christmas, there are times when the struggle seems too hard, the load just too heavy.

For example, one wonders if it is worth it upon hearing that another whacked-out liberal judge has determined that the nativity scene is unconstitutional.

Mind you, not just insensitive to non-Christians, but unconstitutional for heaven's sake!

Not so many years ago, the word unconstitutional was reserved for major injustices that really harmed people. Heinous acts like slavery, John Crow law, or child labor abuse for example.

But times have changed.

Three years ago, we heard of a rabbi in Washington state who threatened to sue because of fifteen Christmas trees enjoyed by the overwhelming majority of the public at the Seattle airport.

"Treeless in Seattle," was apparently this rabbi's passion.

Question: Why would an alleged “man of faith” act to deny so many people the pleasure of seeing a simple, unobtrusive symbol just because the symbol did not immediately conjure up images of his particular faith?

Even more curious: How can the story of Jesus, a champion of love and goodwill, and himself a Jew, drive otherwise good people to such fierce loathing?

And how does one confront such narrow-minded, selfish, mean-spirited thinking without going barking mad?

One way to avoid insanity is to fantasize what the first Christmas might have been had Obamacare and progressive idiocy been in place the night Jesus was born.

The Christmas story might have included nuttiness such as this:

Upon entering Bethlehem, Mary and Joseph would have been stopped by activists from Planned Parenthood. The unmarried couple would have been reminded of the growing problem with overpopulation, including demands on finite resources and added pollution.

Mary would have been encouraged to abort the unborn fetus, and Planned Parenthood would have offered to pay for the procedure with tax money stolen from the Romans.

Meanwhile, a corrupt liberal judge (aren't they all?) in Nazareth would have issued a restraining order to prevent the three wise men from entering the city where the Savior was born.

Citing the lack of any women, blacks, Asians, Hispanics, gays, transsexuals, Jihadist dudes, or blind and handicapped Buddhists among the three wise acres, the judge would have given the trio twelve hours to submit an acceptable affirmative action plan, or be forced to leave the Holy land.

All mirth, gold and other gifts would have been impounded and stored in a local Mosque, pending final disposition by the court.

That same judge would have also ordered Mary to submit to a full gynecological examination by a licensed physician to determine the veracity of her claim to be a virgin.

The judge ruled that this exam was essential to maintain the integrity of birth and death records in Nazareth, and to establish a basis for royalty payments owed Nazareth when the Jesus story was added to the Holy Bible, and movie rights sold to Hollywood Jews.

Being an obedient and faithful woman of the Lord, Mary reported to the local medical center for the required examination, but was shocked to learn that her health-care coverage had been cancelled because of a new universal mandate which did not cover virginity examinations.

It was explained to Mary that virginity was not considered a reasonable expectation since the new health law screwed EVERYONE, regardless of religion, income, blah, blah, blah, EXCEPT the heathens who enacted the silly law.

Therefore, Mary would not qualify for generous subsidies offered under the Nazareth health exchange scam. Her examination was to be funded by a lien placed on the impounded mirth, gold, and other gifts.

Meanwhile, ACLU Lawyers in Bethlehem would have sued the innkeeper who turned Mary and Joseph away. The suit would allege that there was, in fact, plenty of room at the inn, but that Mary was discriminated against solely because she was an unmarried, pregnant, middle-eastern woman of color who spoke perfect Yiddish, but not a word of Italian or French.

Even back then, being bilingual was seen as a mark of sophistication and economic stability by liberal nut balls.

Joseph would have been required to pay a special “Ass Transit Fee”—not a tax, mind you—owing to the fact that the donkey carrying the blessed mother-to-be was not properly licensed in Bethlehem.

The local tax collector was known as the “Ass Taxer,” a term that still applies to most American Democrats whom are called Taxing Asses.

Joseph and Mary would have been forced to leave Bethlehem earlier than originally planned, because a local bureaucrat had determined that their donkey was releasing unhealthy levels of toxic gases, indelicately called “farts” in our enlightened times.

Such emissions were thought to be a major factor in clinical depressions, and were also implicated in a phenomenon called “Global Cooling," which liberals insisted would destroy the planet by the year 0010 unless immediate actions were taken.

Finally, a band of homeless Islamofascist gypsies would have been arrested for conspiring to destroy the Baby Jesus by placing a Muslim baby with a treatable, but contagious, disease into the manger immediately next to that of Jesus.

This was the first recorded instance of Muslims using children on suicide missions to kill innocent Jews.

Of course, the arrested Islamofascists eventually sued for discrimination based on religious intolerance. And won!

Praise be to God that Obamacare and the ACLU did not exist in their present form on Christmas Eve, 0000!