CHANGE, Ala Barack Obama, Comes to Gitmo!
Terrorists to be replaced by Bushies?
Satire by John W. Lillpop
(Washington, D.C., LILLPILL)
During the 2008 campaign, President-elect Obama promised to bring CHANGE to Guantanamo Bay; he has since reiterated that commitment during a recent stint on 60 Minutes.
Until now, the exact details of the Obama Gitmo CHANGE have been highly classified, top secret military information withheld from public purview in the interest of national security.
However, by committing a number of complex felonies, all which are considered capital crimes and punishable by death, this reporter has hacked into the Obama lap top and successfully pinched a file cleverly titled, "Operation Gut Guantanamo."
Although the file was prominently labeled "TOP SECRET CONFIDENTIAL" and was password protected, we gained access by entering CHANGE as the password.
As it turns out, deductive logic is a highly valuable skill set in unlocking the nuances of the liberal mind.
Back to the facts, man.
All of the grotesque details from "Operation Gut Guantanamo" are reported herewith, "exclusive" to whatever rag one happens to be reading.
Contrary to earlier statements, the incoming administration will NOT close Guantanamo Bay.
Rather, the Obama regime will CHANGE residency requirements, which will result in the immediate release of all terrorists and suspected terrorists.
Once all innocent detainees, and those suspected of being innocent, have been flown back to the Middle East and released to Al-Quaeda, their cages, prayer blankets, and sleeping bags will be reassigned to ruthless American war criminals, and suspected war criminals.
Because of the devastating economic mess left by George W. Bush and the GOP, the incoming president has decided not to waste taxpayer money on trials for American officials suspected of war crimes against Islam.
Instead, that money will be used to fly detainees home, first-class, where movies showing American soldiers being decapitated in the name of Allah will be featured.
Surround sound headsets will be sold, but dollars will not be accepted.
Other details emerging about Operation Gut Guantanamo include these dillies:
Once the new president has been sworn in on January 20, the U.S. Marines will immediately handcuff and arrest President George Bush, VP Dick Cheney, and all other Bush administration officials in attendance at the Inauguration, excepting only Dr. Condoleezza Rice who will baby-sit the Obama daughters while Barack and Michelle flaunt their new power and prestige at innumerable Inaugural Balls in Washington.
Bush and Cheney will be carted off to Andrews Air Force base where they will be stuffed into discounted fare seats on a military helicopter and flown off to Guantanamo Bay for the rest of their lives.
While Barack and Michelle are dancing away the hours to celebrate Barack's Balls, the U.S. Marines will round up other war criminals from the vanquished Bush administration.
Perk walks will be administered to a variety of savage criminals, including Donald Rumsfeld, Karl Rove, General David Petreaus, Rush Limbaugh, George Tenet, Tommy Frank, Paul Wolofitz, Scooter Libby, and all other individuals serving in either of the Bush terms, excepting only Colin Powell who will assist Dr. Rice in caring for the Obama brats.
All of the W. war criminals will be transported en masse to Guantanamo Bay after consulting with liberal attorney Ramsey Clark who represented Saddam Hussein and who is credited with taking that classic cell phone photograph of Hussein's public hanging.
Clark, it will be recalled, sued the estate of Saddam Hussein for outstanding legal fees, including reimbursement for replacing the batteries in his cell phone, exhausted by taking all of those hanging photographs.
Once the new Gitmo residents have unpacked and settled in, the Water Boarding Commission will be assembled. Donald Rumsfeld and Karl Rove will be "volunteered" as the first water boarding recipients under the kinder, gentler Obama administration.
This is where George W. Bush actually catches a break: Water boarding will be used by Team Obama only to glean vital intelligence. But since W. has none, he will be exempt!
Now that is CHANGE bruther!
Posted by John W Lillpop at 9:38 AM